


Love Hate Love

by ShameInYou



Category: Alice in Chains
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Love, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:13:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2221884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShameInYou/pseuds/ShameInYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I just needed to stay away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Jerry's POV_

For the longest time, it had been me and him. He and I. We were inseparable with our intimate little group of friends. They knew we were together. They respected us, we could go off to be alone for days and they wouldn't bother us. I cherished those days. The days where I didn't have to be Layne's babysitter. I didn't have to stress myself making sure he was okay.

I fucking care about him deeply. He was my first for everything. First love, first fuck, first band mate. Every time we sang together, my heart melted. I wondered if he ever felt that anymore. Towards the end of our Dirt tour, I just started getting weird vibes from him.

He wanted to go out more, I didn't. I saw him blossom over night on that tour. He went from this sweet, innocent boy to this...this man who had gotten all his priorities fucked up. Me. We started arguing alot. I knew Layne was doing drugs. He would try to hide it from me, but I could tell. He wasn't his usual self. I did everything I could to keep him on the bus with me, but he fought me.

It was as if he had grown tired of me. Boring old Jerry who never wanted to do anything but make music. He seemed to want more out of life. I was content with what we had, just being at home together with a small circle of friends who understood us.

Whomever Layne was hanging out with now, they didn't know me. They were pulling Layne away from me. Starting shit. Layne was the one who told me he loved my singing voice. Sometimes when he would come home stoned, and I would confront him, he would slur things about me. Like they told him I was taking over the band. They filled his head full of lies.

It fucking hurt to see Layne slipping away like this. Hell, it hurt even worse because I knew I wasn't anything special. I was just this regular guy. A guitar nerd. An alcoholic. I didn't really have anything else to offer Layne. I don't even know why he started liking me in the first place. A part of me didn't blame him for becoming bored with me.

We were back at home, and Layne was up to his same shit. Gone all day, sulking back in at night. I don't know how at what point we became so alienated. The bed didn't even feel right. It was hard, it was cold. Nothing had been done in that bed for months.

It had taken a toll on me, trying to keep Layne straight the whole tour. He had pushed me away. He had rebelled against me. I felt like a zombie. I could hardly sleep. I always laid wide awake until Layne would come home. I felt safe when I knew Layne was home. I wish he would realize how much he was hurting me.

I could feel the lump form in my throat as I lay there and think about it. Everyone wanted a piece of Layne. I wish that Layne would say "fuck you all" and just spend time with me. Everyone loved Layne. I was jealous. I wanted him to myself.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted when I heard the front door open and close.

He closed it slowly, softly, trying to be quiet. I was wide awake. I could hear everything. I lay there, my breath almost catching in my throat, my heart rate picking up.

I heard heavy footsteps climbing the stairs. I heard him sigh as he entered our bedroom. I could smell him. Cigarettes and booze. I heard him shuffling around, mumbling to himself.

He was drunk and he hadn't even turned the bedroom light on. I heard more shuffling and then I heard things fall off of the dresser and hit the ground.

"Fuck!" I heard him slur.

It wasn't long before I felt the bed move as he climbed in and sighed. Silence again. I could hear his heavy breathing, and then all of a sudden I heard him gag and roll over. I sat up and turned the lamp on that was on my nightstand and looked over to see him hunched over the side of the bed, throwing up on the floor.

"Layne what the fuck!" I frowned.

He couldn't fucking go sit in the bathroom? He knew he was gonna fucking puke, he was fucked up!

Layne wiped his mouth, slowly laying back down and looking over at me.

"So he finally speaks. I knew I couldn't just come home without hearing you run your fucking mouth." Layne slurred.

I could smell his bile. It made my stomach churn. I crawled out of the bed and stood up, going to get some paper towels to try and clean the mess up. Layne laid in bed as I did all of the work, cleaning up after him as usual.

"All you do is bitch and moan." Layne slurred.

He was trying me for the umpteenth time. I ignored him and frowned as i continued cleaning his mess up, spraying carpet cleaner on the floor.

"Always the one who has to be in control." Layne tried again.

I bit my lip. Not this again. He always wanted to start shit with me when he was drunk. I stood up and threw the napkins in the trash.

"Your so fucking jealous of me." Layne slurred.

Ouch.

I turned around, and shoved my pointer finger at him.

"You don't know any fucking thing Layne! Shut the fuck up and pass out already. What the fuck are you on? Snow? Junk?" I spat.

"Like you even fucking care anyway!" Layne spat.

He was out of it! He didn't know what he was fucking talking about!

"I don't care? You come home every night fucked up and I look after you! Your the one who doesn't fucking care! You abandoned me for those scumbags who only fucking like you because your a rock star! They don't care about you, they just want your money! You buy 'em rounds don't you!" I spat at Layne.

Layne furrowed his brows and got silent for a moment.

"Shut the fuck up Jerry...at least I have friends! Not like you, sitting around here all day self loathing! Your a fucking waste! I'm sick of you!" Layne screamed and slurred, coughing.

"Sick of me? Yeah, well I'm fucking sick of you too and your bullshit! Your a fucking sell out!" I screamed at him.

"Oh yeah!? Well we never fuck anymore! Maybe I need to go out and find me a new piece of ass!" Layne slurred.

My heart jumped. Drunk and random was he, but he was speaking his mind. It hurt.

"We never fuck because you're always fucking smashed! Your never here! Fucking do that then. You know what, fuck this. I'm so sick of this! Fuck you Layne!" I screamed, slamming the door.

I was so angry. I stormed down the stairs and laid on the couch. We were sick of each other. It had come down to this. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I rolled over, shoving my face into the crack of the couch. I hated this emotional shit. Layne was always the one who was doing this to me.

When did things become so fucking complicated between us? We used to be on the same page. We used to be able to relate. Layne was so far gone. Fucking drugs. I knew what I had to do. I fell asleep on that couch, angry and hurting.

* * *

As soon as I woke up the next morning, I ran upstairs. The anger and resentment still in me from the previous night. I knew what I had to do. I had to get out of Seattle and clear my mind. Layne was still asleep as I walked through our bedroom. I stripped down and took a shower and got dressed.

Layne started to stir as I slammed my suitcase down on the bed and started going through my dresser drawers, pulling clothes out and stuffing them in the suitcase.

I heard Layne groan slightly as he stirred, moving a little bit. I could feel his eyes on me.

"Where you going?" He croaked, his voice still laced with sleep.

I frowned, ignoring him as I continued to pack things.

"What did I do now?" Layne sighed, sitting up in the bed and rubbing his forehead.

I looked up at him with a look that shot daggers at him. Of course, same routine. He didn't remember the next morning. He would talk his drunk shit, hurt me, then fall right back to sleep and I would be left there, thinking and pissed.

"I'm leaving." I frowned.

"Leaving? Going where?" Layne said softly.

"A fucking way from here. Away from you." I spat.

Layne stared down at his lap.

"You can't fucking leave me Jer. What about Alice in Chains?" Layne pouted.

His routine was making me see red. Fucking run your mouth and then the next morning play this game with me like he was going to actually miss me. Those folks had really fucked Layne's head up. What did he refer to them as in Junkhead? The stoners, junkies and freaks?

"Fuck you, and fuck Alice in Chains. I don't care anymore. You've really changed Layne. You have got your priority list really fucking screwed up. Apparently I'm not on it. I'm done with this. This is taking a fucking toll on me and I'm sick of your shit." I spat.

Layne sat there, frowning, tears filling his eyes. He was crying? Why the fuck was he crying?

"What? Jerry I'm sorry. I'm sorry I puked on the floor!" Layne sobbed lightly.

"What the fuck Layne, this is not about that! You go out everyday to god knows where, get fucked up and then come home fucked up and running your mouth. If you don't care about this relationship anymore then neither do I. You obviously gave up on us, so I am too. I'm sick of this shit." I spat, grabbing my guitar.

"I can do better Jerry. I'll stop, I promise. Don't do this. Your right, I'm a fuck up. Just don't go. Please." Layne sobbed.

He was fucking pathetic. I was disgusted with him at the moment.

I squinted my eyes at him.

"You are so fucked up. You want me to stay here but when I'm here you're never around. I'm going."

"What do I tell Sean and Mike?" Layne sobbed.

"Don't know, don't care." I frowned as I grabbed my gear and left out.

Layne suddenly got up and was following me down the stairs.

"Jerry I can change. I'll change. I'll stop going out. I'll stop using. Please don't go! I'm sorry, I got in way over my head!"

I ignored him as we entered the living room. I was almost at the door.

"Jerry I fucking love you! Please don't go! Stay here, we can work it out. I'll change right now! I'll stop right now...just please don't go!" Layne begged, sniffling.

He was pathetic. I stopped and slowly turned around.

"If you fucking loved me you wouldn't have fucking ignored me half the tour and up to now. You would have listened to me when I tried to protect you from the vultures! I loved you Layne, I fucking loved you. We were so perfect together. We used to laugh, we used to touch. Now all we do is argue and I'm sick of it. I told you, I'm done. You've fucked up royally boy. I just don't believe anything you say anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself. Bye."

"But Jerry, Please don't do this. I fucking need you. Please I'm fucking begging you. I'm gonna change...just for you! Please!" Layne begged, tears rolling out of his blue eyes.

I looked at him, my brow furrowed. My heart was breaking. He almost got me. I almost put my suitcase down. But I couldn't. I had to do this. This was the only way.

"Bye Layne. Have a nice life with your drugs and vultures. Hope they don't suck you dry." I spat, turning around and grabbing my guitar and walking out on him.

Walking out on almost 8 years of friendship and love. As I neared my car, I jumped when I heard a window shatter and a scream. Layne was losing his mind. He had threw a house knick knack out of the living room window. I hurried to my car and put my stuff in and sped away, leaving him behind.

I was going to go stay with my dad at the ranch in Oklahoma that I had purchased for him. I needed to get away, clear my head. I didn't know what I was going to do.

I didn't really want to break up with Layne. I was just running my mouth trying to scare him. Tears poured down my face as I just drove. Drove away. I wasn't even taking a plane. I was just going to drive the whole way to Oklahoma. I just needed to stay away.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His voice, the background vox...fucking ripping off Alice in Chains! What the hell, there was a harmony in this song. I was pissed, I was heartbroken. This was OUR thing.

_6 Months Later_

I cleared my throat loudly and obnoxiously as I pushed the cart through the grocery store. I had my shades on to hide bloodshot eyes as I walked through the store, throwing shit in the cart.

Living in Oklahoma was easy. I was in the middle of nowhere and no one ever recognized me. No one had contacted me the whole time I had been gone. No one knew where I was. I just took off and told no one months ago.

I often would wonder what Layne was doing and how he was holding up.

I chewed on my thumbnail as I picked up a random bag of chips and threw them in the cart. I walked on by the magazine stand in the store and just happened to look over and something caught my eye.

The new issue of RIP magazine, there was a familiar face in the corner. Fucking Layne. I snatched a copy and picked it up, holding the corner of the cover to my face. That was him, what the fuck was this?

The headline at the bottom of his picture read: "Mad Season Creating a Buzz"

"Mad Season? The fuck?" I mumbled to myself.

I ran my finger over the picture of Layne. His eyes were bright blue, he had his hair pulled into a small ponytail on top of his head and was that...lipstick? I opened the magazine, scanned the index and found the article.

I fervently flipped the pages until I stopped at the article. Covering two pages, was this band, Mad Season.

I scanned the article. Mike McCready, Layne Staley, Barrett Martin and John Baker Saunders? What was this shit, Layne was in another band?

What the fuck?

I could feel my face become hot. Apparently they had a single out called "River of Deceit." I had no idea, I had been away from Seattle for months.

I looked at the big photo of the band that spread across two pages. Layne's eyes were so blue. He looked sober. I smiled a bit but then looked to the corner of the page and saw a picture of Layne and McCready. I could feel the jealous rage rise up in me as I looked at it. Fuckin' McCready had his head resting on Layne's shoulder! Layne looked so fucking good. What the fuck was that about though?

My mind began to race. So Layne had already moved on? Joined another band? Was McCready fucking him? I threw the magazine in the cart and steered on.

I wanted to hear this album that Layne had made. How could he go off and do something like this? Oh yeah, to spite me?

My mind continued to throw scenarios at me. I quickly got out of the store, loading the groceries in my car. I steered with one hand and rested my hand on head with the other as I drove back to the ranch.

I needed to find out what the fuck was going on over there in Seattle. I was going to finally come out of hiding.

* * *

"Hello?" Sean asked into the phone.

I was silent as I thought about how to start this conversation, the magazine with Layne in it laid out in front of me.

"Hello? Who the fuck is this?" Sean asked again.

"It's me man." I said, taking a drag of my cigarette.

"Who?" Sean sounded frustrated.

"Jerry man, it's me Jerry!" I frowned.

"Jerry? Holy fuck...Jerry fucking Cantrell. I haven't fucking heard from you in....fucking wow. What the fuck are you doing?" Sean said into the phone.

He sounded stunned to be hearing from me.

"Where do I fucking begin man?" I chuckled.

"You could start by saying where the fuck you're at. You just fucking went missing. No one knows where you're at. It's like you fell off the face of the fucking earth man."

That was the point.

"I had to just get away from the city for a while man. I'm staying at my dads." I said taking a drag.

"Oklahoma? In the middle of bum fuck egypt?" Sean asked.

"Yep." I smiled.

"Christ man. Well wow. Fuckin' A. Well have you been doing good?" Sean asked.

"Eh. So so." I sighed.

"Listen man, I heard about what happened between you and Layne." Sean whispered into the phone.

"Hah!" I laughed into the phone.

"He was getting real bad Sean. I just couldn't take it anymore. That's why I fucking left." I replied.

"I get it." Sean replied.

"How's Layne anyway, do you still talk to him?" I asked.

"Yeah. Yeah occasionally we talk. You know he went to rehab right?" Sean replied

"No. I didn't know that." I bit my lip.

"Yeah, he's doing real good man." Sean replied.

I felt a flutter in my stomach. So Layne had actually went through with it huh? He looked so happy and confident in those pics with McCready.

It was just a reminder of how miserable I was.

"Sean, can I ask you a question?" I asked.

"What?" Sean asked.

"Does Layne ever say anything about me?" I asked.

I heard a sigh on the other end.

"Jerry I can't tell you that information. I'm not getting between whatever's going on between you and Layne. I will tell you that yes I still talk to him, but I'm not gonna like fucking tell you what he says and shit." Sean replied.

"So he does talk about me?" I asked.

Sean was silent on the other end.

"Is it good or bad?" I asked.

"Jerry..." Sean complained.

"Alright alright. I'll stop. Listen, who the fuck is this Mad Season? I got this magazine, and I see Layne in it, with these fucking clowns. What is this shit?"

"Mad Season? Oh Mike McCready started a band with a few guys and asked Layne to join as the singer." Sean replied.

"Are they any good?" I asked, frowning.

"Yeah, their actually pretty cool."

"Do you have their CD?" I asked.

"Yeah." Sean replied.

"You mind letting me hear this River of Deceit song?" I asked.

Sean groaned into the phone.

"Why don't you go pick up the CD yourself dude?"

"Bum fuck egypt. Remember? Come on man, just do this for me. Don't you have a radio? Put the phone near it. Let me hear it." I begged.

Sean easily gave in.

"Ugh. Hold on then bro."

I finished off my cigarette as I waited for Sean to turn the music on. After a few minutes, I heard him pick the phone back up.

"Ok. Here ya go, River of Deceit." He replied.

I heard some fumbling and then I could hear the sound of some faint music playing. It got louder and started sounding a little staticy over the phone, but I could make out the tune and such.

Intense jealously flooded my veins as I heard the guitar riff. My heart caught in my throat as I heard Layne start to sing.

"My pain, is self chosen. At least, so the prophet says."

This was intense. My whole body tensed as I listened intently.

Sean was a fucking dork. He interrupted my thoughts as he screamed into the phone

"Down! Oh down! Down! Oh Dowwwn!"

I frowned and looked down at the magazine. After the River song was over, Sean was back on the phone.

"What'd ya think?" Sean asked.

"It's alright, it's different I guess." I sighed.

"I'm gonna let ya hear one more! This song's the shit." Sean smiled.

I heard more fumbling and music begin again. The guitar riff was pretty cool I had to admit. Sean hadn't told me the name of this one.

I gasped when Layne started singing.

"I don't know anything, I don't know anything, I don't know anything, I don't who I am."

His voice, the background vox...fucking ripping off Alice in Chains! What the hell, there was a harmony in this song. I was pissed, I was heartbroken. This was OUR thing. He was off doing OUR thing with other people.

Me and him were the only harmony as far as I was concerned.

How could he do this? How could he write this song for this band?

The song was over before I knew it.

"Fucking righteous, right man?" Sean asked.

"Yeah. I guess." I frowned.

"Hey Sean, is Layne seeing anyone else?" I asked softly.

"Uh. I don't fucking know man. I don't think so." Sean replied agitatedly.

"I think I'm gonna come back home." I said into the phone.

"Fuckin' A. Cantrell's coming back to town! When you get back we need to go get a beer!" Sean said excitedly.

"Don't fucking tell anyone I'm coming back alright. I don't want a bunch of attention on me." I frowned.

"Alright man. Hey you fucking call me when you get back!" Sean said excitedly.

"Will do." I frowned.

We didn't even say goodbye, I just hung up. I sat there, staring down at the magazine, furious.

I felt like Layne was cheating on me. Singing with other people. That I was fucking jealous about. Of course, why should I be mad? The way I had left things were questionable. As far as he knew, I had quit AIC and had broken up with him. I guess he had a right to move on, but it hurt real bad.

Rehab. He had went to fucking rehab finally.

I had to get home to Seattle and fast.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "JERRY NO!" I heard Layne screaming and sobbing.

My car had made it back to Seattle in one piece. I sure did put a lot of miles on it from all the driving. I felt my heart rate speed up as I drove through the city. Layne could be anywhere. What if I saw him right then, walking along the side walk at a red light? What would I say to him?

My delusions did not come true as I drove back to the house that me and him had shared. I just knew he wouldn't be there. I pulled up in the driveway and turned the car off, sitting there and staring at the house.

After a few minutes, I was finally moving. I had my guitar and my suitcase and I walked up to the door and unlocked it, almost forgetting which one was the house key. I went inside. The house was cold, dark and quiet. I flipped the light switch. Lights on. Someone was still paying the bills.

I took a big whiff. Why did the house smell like fucking, fucking flowers? I looked around. The place was fucking spotless. I didn't expect this. Someone had been keeping this place up while I was gone. I hadn't paid one single bill since I left.

I picked up the phone, a dial tone. I set the phone down. I looked over to see something that wasn't there before. A fuckin' nightstand? Who put that in the fucking hall? In the fucking way?

I walked over and looked at it. There were a bunch of pictures on it. I picked a random one up and looked at it. I instantly smiled. It was me and Layne, back when we had first started going out, back in the 80s. Oh god how awful my hair was, the cheap bleached dew was horrible. Layne had dark brown hair and looked good as always. We were hugged up together. I could feel a lump in my throat as I looked at it. I put it down and glanced over all of the others. Me and Layne, me and Layne, me and Layne! Was someone trying to fuck with me?

I walked into the kitchen and looked around. Pine sol, I fucking smell Pine sol. Since when the fuck was the house this fucking clean?

There were bananas sitting in the middle of the counter. Bananas? What the fuck, since when did we eat fruit in this household?

I walked over to the fridge and looked inside. Nothing was rotten. Someone was keeping the fridge stocked. I grabbed a beer out of it. Nice and cold.

I carried everything upstairs and to the bedroom I used to share with Layne.

I dropped my shit to the ground as I stood in the doorway. I sipped the beer as I looked around.

The room was spotless, smelled like a fucking ocean or something.

It still wasn't registering to me.

The covers on Layne's side were pulled back. There were shorts on the floor. I scanned the room, eyes going over to a clothes hamper that was half full.

I sipped my beer and then my eyes widened.

He was still living here. His things were still here. The house was clean, the lights and phone were still on. He was still living here! But he wasn't home right then.

I could feel my stomach implode. He could come home at any minute! I walked over to his nightstand. His notebook was on it.

Words were scrawled on the page. I sipped my beer as I stood there and read it.

__  
1\. I admit that I am powerless over heroine. My life has become unmanageable.  
2\. I believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.  
3\. I have made a decision to turn my life around.  
4\. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  
5\. Admitted to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  
6\. I am entirely ready to remove all these defects of character.  
7\. Made a list of all persons I have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.  
8\. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, (Jerry).  
9\. Continue to take personal inventory, and when I am wrong, I admit it.  
10\. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps.  


This must have been his rehab shit. I stepped away, blinking. I fucking wanted Layne back. All of the feelings of love came flowing back through my body, filling me up like a cup. I fucking wanted him back, I wanted to sing with him, I wanted another tour. This time we would be inseparable. I wanted to feel his skin. I wanted things to be the way they were before.

I found myself walking over to Layne's clothes hamper and grabbing one of his dirty shirts. I looked around and slowly put it to my nose and sniffed it. His smell was all over it. His musky cologne. I threw the shirt back in the hamper.

I wasn't ready to face him yet. I wasn't ready. I started feeling nerves as I set the beer down, ran over to my things and stuffed them in the closet. I got my beer and walked over to the phone and called Sean, letting him know I was back.

Shortly after, I was out the door to meet up with him to have a few beers.

* * *

I was fucking loaded. A few beers turned into too many. I didn't know how to stop. Me and Sean had caught up on things that had been happening since I was gone.

Sean had since passed out on his couch, snoring loudly. I sat there still sipping a beer, watching his television when suddenly his phone began to ring.

I looked over at Sean. He was out like a light. I ignored the phone and continued to watch the television. Sean's answering machine got it.

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I heard his voice message. That was Sean for you, he made a bunch of farting and monkey noises.

My smile faded when I heard the voice coming out of speaker.

"Sean, It's Layne. Just wanted to let you know we're doing a show down at the Black Room. Come over here if you want. Alright, talk to you later. Bye."

I sat up and bit my lip. The Black room? I sat there sipping my beer. Okay. I had to see his new band. I looked over at Sean. Sean wasn't getting up anytime soon. I burped loudly, stood up and then walked out.

* * *

I took a bus downtown to get to the Black room. I could hear the music playing instantly as I entered the small night club. I was a bit tipsy as I stood way in the back with my hands in my pockets. There was a crowd around the stage. I could hear Layne's voice. I walked over to the bar and got a beer. I finally turned around in my seat and looked over at the stage. There he was, singing some bluesy tune, with his "new" band.

I frowned slightly as I watched them, slamming back beers. A few songs later, I was slowly making my way into the audience, inching my way closer to the stage, shoving people out of the way. A few people shoved me back.

I couldn't control myself as I screamed random obscenities into the crowd.

"These guys fucking suck! Go back to Alice in Chains!" I yelled drunkingly.

I felt heavy and dizzy.

"You suuuuck!" I screamed from the top of my lungs, sipping my 100th beer. I had lost count.

"Hey shut the fuck up!" Some random person from the audience said.

"Fuck you!" I frowned, continuing to push my way to the front.

"Hey move it! I'm Jerry Cantrell from Alice in Chains! I'm a VIP!" I slurred drunkingly, almost falling over some chick.

I finally made my way to the front of the crowd. My glossy eyes looking up at him.

I hadn't seen him in a long time. He looked bright from up close. I sipped my beer as he belted out "Lifeless Dead" with his eyes closed, playing his guitar.

"Go back to Alice in Chains you fucking fagget!" I screamed drunkingly.

I was oblivious to everyone around me.

He finally opened his eyes once he reached the climax of the song. I looked up at him with a frown and he looked right into my eyes.

I was drunk as a skunk as I stood there still, as everyone around me moved to the beat of the song.

Layne's brows furrowed as he sang the climax. I sipped my beer and continued to stare up at him. His eyes got all squinty as he continued with the song, looking down at me.

I was too drunk to notice the man was crying onstage. I started rambling, waving my beer around.

"Oh look at you up there, big whoopde fuckin' do! This band will NEVER be what our band is! You guys fucking suck! Boooo!"

Mike McCready furrowed his brows and walked over to Layne's mike while Layne was still belting out notes. He looked right at me.

"Shut the fuck up Cantrell!" He frowned and flipped me off.

"Fuck me? Fuck you!" I said drunkingly, spilling beer on people around me.

I was too drunk to notice their frustrations brewing.

"I'll fucking show you..." I mumbled, walking up to the stage.

I tried to climb onto the stage. Layne was singing but suddenly stepped away from the mike as I ended up at an odd angle, kicking the stand, it making a loud squeaking noise.

"Fuck off Cantrell! What the fuck!?" Mike McCready screamed, stopping his guitar.

The drums and bass were still rolling. I was rolling around on the stage like a beached whale. I ended up knocking Layne's mike stand over.

The crowd started getting louder.

"Jerry? What the fuck are you doing!?" Layne exclaimed, putting his hands on his head.

I stood up drunkingly, swaying almost. I looked at Layne and frowned, pointing a finger at him.

"Your doing this to fucking spite me!"

"Jerry? What the fuck are you talking about? You're fucking drunk! You show up out the fucking blue...Go home Jerry!" Layne stuttered.

I was too drunk to notice he was almost visibly shaking from seeing me in the flesh after so long. I was too drunk to notice that Mike McCready was signaling for security to come and kick me out.

"You fucking broke my heart!" I slurred drunkingly, dropping my beer bottle on the stage, it busting.

I held my hand out and was about to bitch slap Layne when I felt a hand grab my wrist. I quickly ripped it away and drunkingly turned around to see McCready glaring at me. I could hear Layne start to sob behind me.

"How dare you fucking storm in here and fuck up our set man! What gives you the fucking right!? After you fucking left Layne the way you did!? Fuck you man! You're outta here!"

I could feel the anger boiling in my drunken blood. Who the hell was he talking to? He knew NOTHING about me or my situation with Layne. I suddenly turned my anger to him. I looked over and I could see the bouncer heading for me. I looked at McCready and raised my fist, pulling my arm back and punching him right square in his nose.

"JERRY NO!" I heard Layne screaming and sobbing.

McCready was staring at me in aw, his hands over his nose, blood falling down his upper lip. I shook my hand. That shit hurt.

Suddenly I was grabbed. I felt real hot, things were a blur. My head was spinning so bad as I was manhandled by the bouncer. The club was so loud.

The next thing I know, I'm being shoved outside. I stumbled and fell to the hard concrete, scraping my knee, the top of my head resting on the ground. My hands had stopped the full force. I groaned. I was a drunk mess. I suddenly could feel it coming. My chest heaved as I threw up on the sidewalk, and all over myself. People walked by laughing and pointing, not even caring if i was dying.

I stayed there on the concrete for a while, puking until I could no more. It was all over my clothes. I was fucking gross. I slowly and shakily stood up. There was a big ass deep scrape on my knee. I started to limp home, lonely and pathetic.

* * *

I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I neared our house. I had quickly sobered up after I puked my guts out. I was so fucked up. I had probably ruined any chance I had to get back with Layne now. My knee hurt real fucking bad. I just let it all out as I managed to get in the house and slump up the stairs, sobbing loudly to myself.

My chest heaved hard as I peeled my pukey clothes off, throwing them to the nice and neat floor of our bedroom.

I stood in the shower, letting the spray hit me, with my hand covering my forehead, the other hand against the shower wall as I continued to sob.

I was a douchebag. I was a fucking loser. Layne wasn't the only one who had fucked up. It felt good to fucking cry instead of holding it in all the time like I usually did.

I was exhausted after my shower. I slipped on some shorts and laid on the bed and closed my eyes, falling asleep shortly after. I just wanted to forget about tonight.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know I'm fucking disgusting. I know I drink too much. I know I'm bossy. I know I have intimacy issues. I'm sorry."

I started to wake up, although my eyes were still glued shut. I could hear breathing over me. I moved my hand a little and turned, the back of my head against the pillow, my eyes still shut. I jumped a little when I felt something wet hit my face. I frowned and moved my head to the opposite side. I suddenly felt a cool hand rub circles on my stomach. I flinched and finally opened my eyes, turning my head and looking up.

For a moment I forgot about everything else on the planet. For a moment it was just me and him.

He stared down at me, like he wasn't sure, eyes stained with tears.

I looked up at him, frowning at first, but then my face slowly straightened out and a smile tugged on the corners of my lips. His eyes were bright blue and they sort of shimmered in the light at me. No drugs could make him look this illuminated.

Once he saw me smile, he smiled back at me, his teeth showing, his cute nose scrunching up. Fuck, I was being sappy. Was this a dream?

Layne wiped his eyes and sniffled.

"Hey Jerry. Long time no see." He chuckled.

I slowly sat up. He was kneeled at my bedside. I rubbed my eyes and looked over at the time. 4 in the morning?

"Hey." I said softly.

Layne walked over to his side of the bed and sat down, sitting right beside me, our arms touching. We sat there in silence, like we didn't know what to say to each other.

The silence was getting awkward so I figured I'd start.

"I'm sorry." I said softly.

This seemed to trigger a response from Layne. I felt awkward as I sat there and Layne put his hands to his face and started to sob loudly. I felt like I should have done something, but I was too scared. This was weird. We hadn't seen each other in months and I had left on bad terms, came back, punched Layne's new bandmate, and Layne was here, with me now. Why?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything Jerry. I really fucked us up. I lost my mind. I'm real sorry. I'm so glad you came back..." Layne cried.

I smiled halfheartedly, although he didn't see me.

Layne caught me off guard and wrapped his lanky arms around my frame, pressing his forehead against my temple. I closed my eyes. We hadn't been this close in so long.

"I'm sorry I joined Mad Season. I'm gonna quit them. I don't want to do anything that's gonna further jeopardize us. Jerry you're very important to me. I'm sorry I made you jealous." Layne sobbed, tightening his grip on me.

My hair fell in my face as I moved forward slightly as Layne tightened his grip. I put my hand on his arm.

"When I first heard that album, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I'm fucking selfish Layne. I just wanted you all to myself." I replied.

"And you'll have me. I don't give a fuck about anyone anymore but you!" Layne said desperately, kissing my cheek.

I sighed.

"Layne, don't quit Mad Season. You guys are very good. Don't let my personal demons get in the way of your success. I'm happy for you. Sometimes we gotta work with other people. It just makes us stronger. Don't quit them because of me. I'm just a jealous douche bag." I frowned, looking down.

"I'll do whatever you want, just don't leave me again!" Layne said desperately.

"That was part of the problem though, wasn't it? Me telling you what to do all the time? I wanted to control you Layne. I didn't want anyone else talking to you really. Everyone loves you Layne, do you know that?" I sighed.

I looked at Layne. He was staring down, lips pursed like he was thinking but didn't want to say anything.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked.

"I know drugs weren't the only thing that ruined us. I was partly to blame too Layne. C'mon, it's okay. We can talk about this." I sighed.

Layne had pulled away from me and was just sitting there, arms wrapped around himself.

I kept talking.

"I know I'm fucking disgusting. I know I drink too much. I know I'm bossy. I know I have intimacy issues. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't always tell you how I'm feeling. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I made you feel like going out and partying was more fun then being with boring old me. I'm sorry I never wanted to go out. I'm sorry I'm always jealous."

I cleared my throat. It was getting hot in there.

"Jerry I just never understood why you fucking hate yourself so much. You're so fucking awesome." Layne sniffled, wiping his eye.

"I can't figure it out either." I sniffled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Do you still love me?" Layne asked, snaking his hand over mine and intertwining our fingers.

"Of course I do." I said softly.

I hated this mushy shit. I wanted to love it. I would start right then. I would change just like Layne did.

I looked over at Layne and Layne looked at me, right into my eyes.

"I fucking love you Layne." I said, voice cracking.

I quickly looked down. I heard Layne sigh and he wrapped his arms around me again.

"Oh fuck...great! I was fucking worried! Thanks for saying it out loud." Layne smiled.

"I want to start doing that." I smiled a little, staring down at my lap.

We were silent for a moment and then I spoke again.

"Sorry I punched Mike. Do you think he hates me? Am I banned from all Mad Season shows?"

Layne smiled a little, nuzzling his nose into my hair.

"He's pretty pissed, but I think he'll get over it eventually. No your not banned, you're my VIP." Layne smiled.

I felt horrible about that.

"Sorry I ruined your show with my drunkiness. I'm a fucking loser."

I finally faced Layne and wrapped my arms around him.

"I forgive you. But you did look like a fool out there Jerry. I just wanna forget about it. I wanna move forward. We're back together and we're both going to be better people." Layne smiled.

I looked him in his eyes and smiled, my brow furrowed slightly.

"I heard you're in rehab. Sean told me." I smiled.

"Yeah." Layne blushed.

"How's that going?" I asked softly.

"It's going real good. I'm 3 months sober. I have the poker chip to prove it." Layne smiled, reaching in his pocket and pulling out a gold poker chip.

I looked at it. It said "3 months" on it.

"Layne that's so fucking great. I'm so proud of you. Those drugs were really fucking you up. I was fucking worried sick about you." I frowned.

"I know. I didn't realize the scope of the problem until you left. I didn't know where you were. I was fucking worried sick. I got help Jerry. I told you I was gonna change. I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through. We can't ever let our relationship get like that again. We gotta start talking about things. We gotta do better. We've been through too much together to walk out on each other. Jerry you may not think so, but you're my fucking heart. I don't know if I was doing a good enough job showing it, but I'm so in fucking love with you. Your my number one, I'll always come back to you. I'm playing with Mad Season right now, but you have nothing to worry about. Nothing will ever be as important to me as what me and you built."

"You fucking jerk." I smiled.

Tears were pouring down my face. He had said everything I dreamed of hearing. This rehab was doing him some good.

"Kiss me Jerry.." Layne whispered.

I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. I felt sparks fly as our lips touched. This had been absent for a long time. He held me as I put my hand to the side of his face as we kissed, nothing special, no tongue. I kept my lips pressed to his for a while before I pecked his lips again. He sucked my lower lip into his mouth lightly. I sighed against his lips. He pulled away and looked at me and smiled.

"Sing with me." Layne smiled.

"What are we gonna sing?" I chuckled lightly.

"I got something, let me get my guitar!" Layne gushed.

I smiled as he got up, getting his acoustic guitar. I rested my chin on my knees, which I had pulled up to my chest.

Layne told me I was a wonderful singer, which I didn't believe, and I would encourage him to play guitar, which he felt like he wasn't very good at. We each played off of each other.

Layne returned, blushing as he sat indian style on the bed, shakily fumbling with the strings.

"I'm gonna start playing and then you join me." Layne blushed.

"Well what's the song?" I asked.

"You'll know it once I start." Layne gushed.

I smiled and watched him. He cleared his throat and started to play. He fucked up after two notes and blushed.

"Sorry sorry, I'm a bit nervous."

"Don't be. Just start over." I smiled.

Layne started over and began to play a tune on his acoustic.

When Layne started singing to me, I'm not gonna lie. I felt a ball of emotion going up my throat. I put my hand to my mouth, tears pouring down my face. Fucking Layne.

Layne looked up at me and smirked as the beautiful words flowed out of his mouth.

These were the secret moments between he and I that no one else knew anything about. These were our moments. I fucking loved them.

__  
I know your eyes in the morning sun  
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain  
And the moment that you wander far from me  
I wanna feel you in my arms again 

_And you come to me on a summer breeze_  
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave  
And it's me you need to show  
How Deep Is Your Love 

_How deep is your love, How deep is your love_  
I really need to learn  
'Cause we're living in a world of fools  
Breaking us down  
When they all should let us be  
We belong to you and me 

_I believe in you_  
You know the door to my very soul  
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour  
You're my saviour when I fall  
And you may not think  
I care for you  
When you know down inside  
That I really do  
And it's me you need to show  
How Deep Is Your Love 

_How deep is your love, How deep is your love_  
I really need to learn  
'Cause we're living in a world of fools  
Breaking us down  
When they all should let us be  
We belong to you and me 

_And you come to me on a summer breeze_  
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave  
And it's me you need to show  
How Deep Is Your Love 

_How deep is your love, How deep is your love_  
I really need to learn  
'Cause we're living in a world of fools  
Breaking us down  
When they all should let us be  
We belong to you and me  


I joined in, singing with him as he played the beautiful melody, singing in our harmony. We were really connecting. Layne's hands were moving over his strings and we stared into each others eyes as we belted out the song to each other, the world around us becoming obsolete. We were one with each other.

Fucking wasn't the only way we showed our love for each other.

As we neared the end of the song, my face had ended up centimeters away from Layne's.

We sung the last line of the song together, staring straight into each others eyes, noses touching.

I leaned in and kissed Layne passionately, tears starting again. I couldn't leave him alone as he tried to take his guitar off. My hands trailed all over his skin as he quickly removed the instrument, throwing it to the ground, the strings making a noise as it hit the floor in a loud thud.

He laid back on the bed as I tackled him, my hair covering our faces as I straddled him and pressed my lips to his. He wrapped his long arms around me.

He fucking knew singing turned me on.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Layne was such a dirty whore.

Time didn't matter anymore as our tongues wrapped around one another's. Layne moaned lightly under me as I grinded my hips against his. His jeans were annoying the hell out of me. I was only in a pair of shorts. I wanted to feel his skin against mines.

I pulled away from his mouth, throwing my head back, my long hair flying in the air and over my shoulders. I looked down at him as I still grinded him, my hands resting on the sides of his torso. Layne stared up at me, his lips kiss swollen, slightly open, his hair disheveled.

"Fucking take your clothes off." I breathed, biting my lip.

"Get off me first..." Layne sighed and smiled, his arms threw back over his head.

I got off of him, standing up on the side of my bed, quickly stripping the shorts off and turned back around to see Layne sliding his boxers off, his shirt still on. I watched the muscles in his back flex as he pulled the shirt off over his head.

I was so fucking hard. We hadn't done anything like this in a long fucking time.

"You want some music?" Layne asked, looking back at me with a smirk.

He knew me all too well.

"Yeah, sure." I breathed, running my hand across my chest.

Layne walked over to the radio. "What do you want?"

"Turn on Mad Season. Start it at Artificial Red." I breathed.

Layne chuckled and turned the radio on and the music started filling the room. The beat was so fucking sexy to me. Music turned me on, especially anything with Layne's voice over it.

Layne walked back over to the bed and slammed down on it, smirking at me as he ran his hand up and down his shaft. I quickly joined him, resting on my elbow as I looked down at him, smiling.

"Fuck Jerry suck me off..." Layne breathed. "Please...."

"If you would take your hand away I could..." I smirked jokingly, my cheeks red and shiny as I smiled like the Cheshire cat.

Layne stopped playing with himself and leaned over and kissed me, sucking on my bottom lip and pulling away. I licked my lips as I slowly moved down the bed. Layne slid up slightly. I was on my knees staring down at his erection. I ran my hand through my hair and held it there so it wouldn't be in my face. I wrapped my other hand around his shaft and leaned down and licked his tip a few times to the beat of Artificial Red, before pursing my lips and pressing them against his tip, sucking it into my mouth slowly. I could feel my whole body warm up as I heard Layne moan. He writhed a bit under me. I slowly pushed my mouth down more, taking more of him in.

I wasn't an expert like he was, but I had a few tricks up my sleeve. I took my hand out of my hair, my hair falling into my face and against Layne's spread thighs. I kept my other hand wrapped around his dick. I moved my mouth up and down Layne's cock, my hand moving in sync with my mouth, moving to the beat of the song. Layne moaned under me, bucking his hips slightly.

"Fuck Jerry...feels good..." He moaned, running a hand through his own hair, biting his lip.

I glanced up at him for a sec through my hair as I worked his cock.

I took my free hand and started massaging one of his testicles.

"MMM fuck yeah! Keep doing that! All of that!" Layne moaned, arching his back.

His breathing was heavy and he was getting sweaty, as was I.

I concentrated on the task at hand as I removed my hand from his shaft and used it to massage his other testicle. I started humming the beat against his meat that was in my mouth. My hair was slayed everywhere. I don't even think he could see me working him.

I felt a shaky hand slide through my hair against my scalp.

"Jerry your fingers feel so fucking good. I'm getting close!" Layne breathed, arching his hips against me now.

My shoulders were slightly hunched, me on my knees, my hair everywhere as I continued to suck Layne's dick and roll my hands over his testicles.

Layne started trembling beneath me. I knew it was coming. I knew he was reaching his climax.

He cried my name as I felt his testicles jump in my hands, his semen spitting into my mouth. I pulled off, my hair matted to my face in places where his cum had gotten on my face.

"That felt so fucking good. I fucking missed that. Fuck Jerry playing guitar's not the only thing your good at! I fucking love you!" Layne sighed, putting his hand over his face as he breathed hard.

I ran my hands through my sticky hair, licking around my lips and wiping the excess cum off of my face.

"I love you too. Think you could go again?" I smirked, already knowing the answer.

I had moved beside Layne now, on my side. Layne had stretched his legs out, one arm thrown behind his head. His eyes were half lidded, still in his post orgasmic high.

"Shit yeah." He smiled. "Give me a few minutes here. What do want me to do? I'll do anything for you."

I smirked.

"I want you to get on your stomach coz' I'm gonna shove my dick so far up your ass you're gonna see stars." I chuckled.

"MMM sounds good." Layne smirked.

"Where's the lube?" I asked.

"Check your nightstand drawer." Layne sighed.

I rolled over and opened the drawer on my side, sticking my hand in and rummaging around until I felt the tube. I grabbed it and set it down on the night stand with one hand, closed the drawer, grabbed it again and rolled back over to see Layne stroking himself again, his eyes closed, biting his lip.

"Layne! cut it out." I smirked, kissing his cheek.

"Oh..sorry, got carried away. You ready?" He smiled.

"Hell yeah." I smirked.

Layne grabbed the lube and popped the top, pouring some in his slender hand.

"Allow me." Layne smirked.

We were facing each other resting on our sides. Layne leaned in, snaking his tongue in my mouth as he wrapped his moist hand around my already hard cock, stroking it up and down, coating it with the lube.

I groaned into his hot mouth. He tasted so good. I was so fucking glad I was getting to taste him again. He was mine!

The next thing I knew I was bucking my hips into Layne's hand, if we kept this up, I would explode all over him.

"Jerry, Jerry calm down. We better do this before you cum." Layne pulled away from my hungry mouth, chuckling and looking into my lusty eyes.

He could read my fucking mind.

I got up and stood up at the edge of the bed, the lube at the end of the bed near me. Layne got on his hands and knees and crawled backwards. He stopped at the edge of the bed, his ass in the air. He looked back at me and pursed his lips at me.

"Fuck me Jerry." He smiled.

God I fucking loved when those words came from his pretty mouth. I wasn't going to just yet. I wanted to tease him.

I stared down at his pretty ass. I ran my hands over it and squeezed it lightly. I could feel my mouth salivating. I couldn't help it.

I stuck my tongue out and leaned down, running it down the crease. I felt Layne flinch.

"Jerry!" He moaned, burying his face into the bed, resting on his elbows.

"MMM...fuck yes. You taste so fucking good." I shuddered as I continued running my tongue up and down his crack.

I prodded his anus with my tongue. I felt an adrenaline rush through my body. I fucking loved putting my mouth on him.

"You fucking tease, put your finger in there already!" Layne wined, shaking his ass against my tongue.

I pulled off, licking my lips and grabbed the lube, coating two fingers. I rested my hand on his lower back as I slowly pushed two fingers in, biting my lip to see his reaction.

Layne gasped and arched his back and rested his chin on his arms again.

I slowly shoved them in and out, scissoring them as I did so.

After a few minutes of this, Layne spoke again.

"OK OK Jerry. That's enough. Fill me up. Put your meat in there. Fucking fuck me!" He begged.

"Yes sir." I smirked, pulling my fingers out and coating my dick with lube again to be sure, stroking it.

I stood there and slapped Layne's ass. He had moved up a bit. He shimmied back down and then I put a hand on his ass, signaling for him to stop. I bit my lip as I guided my dick towards his hole, rubbing against it a bit and then slowly thrusting, pushing my tip in, then half of it, then all of it.

Layne shook beneath me, putting his hands on top of his head, groaning into the bed. He loved his shit.

I slowly started thrusting, feeling my stomach churn. His crevice was so tight, so hot. After a few thrusts, I sped up, biting my lip. I was fairly silent, breathing heavy. Layne was vocal.

"Oh fuck Jerry...I definitely missed this! You feel so fucking good. Fuck me Jerry, move faster!" Layne exclaimed, pushing back on my lap.

I started fucking him to the beat of the current song playing, "Lifeless Dead", a favorite of mine.

"fucking, love, this, song." I breathed as I fucked my lover.

Layne threw his head back, his hands gripping the sheets of the bed.

"God yes. I fucking love this! I'm so fucking horny for you Jerry! Make me cum again! Keep fucking me!" Layne screamed.

I smirked. Layne was such a dirty whore. He was my dirty whore.

I gasped when I started hitting a good place inside of him. I continued to hold onto his hips as I hit him with my cock, the pleasure building up inside of me. I groaned lightly, gripping his hips tight.

"MMM Jerry, I'm jerking off to you. You feel so fucking good. You gonna cum for me baby?" Layne moaned.

I peeked an eye open to see Layne's arm under him. I could see his shoulder muscles flexing, his other strong arm resting on the bed and he continued to push against me.

"Yes." I groaned.

The pleasure was like a tsunami coming towards me. I felt like I shot out of my own body as I reached my orgasm, sloppily thrusting in Layne, my cum filling him up.

Layne wasn't too far behind me as he moaned out, his shoulders shaking. He came on the bed as I pulled out of him, my legs shaky. I was shaking from the intense pleasure I just felt. I got on the bed and laid on my side and sighed as Layne was still on all fours, his arms stretched out in front of him, his head down, face in the bed.

"Holy fuck." He mumbled into the sheets.

"Holy fuck's right." I said lazily, smiling, exhausted.

Layne finally began to move, slowly laying on the bed, in our mess, carelessly. I had dried cum in my hair. I could care less right then.

We looked at each other.

"That was fucking intense Jerry. I fucking love you."

"I love you too." I smirked.

Layne threw an arm around me. I felt tired and ready for bed. The birds were chirping outside. The CD had stopped by now. It must have been dawn. Who knew?

Layne leaned in and we began to kiss softly. Layne kissing me was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep in his arms.

* * *

I stood in front of the stage, watching my soul mate. Layne had both hands on the mike stand, cigarette held between two fingers as he belted the words to "X-Ray" mind. I held my beer and sipped it, smiling. My first beer of the night.

I was back at the Black Room, watching a Mad Season performance. I had apologized to Mike. I think he still didn't like me though. I didn't give a fuck, I was there for Layne.

Layne smirked into the mike and looked down at me. I blew a kiss at him and his smile only widened. He closed his eyes again to sing the words.

I couldn't believe how far we'd come. We were back the way we used to be. The song had finished and people were cheering. I smiled up at Layne. I felt closer to him than ever. I can't believe I had ever felt jealous of this. He was so awesome. I wanted to support him in whatever he did. I had finally realized that I had nothing to worry about, Layne truly loved me.

And I fucking loved Layne.


End file.
